Part 25: Episode XXV: Kim Bauer

Welcome back. When last we left our heroes, Leon and Ada (of screen of course) winessed the death of Luis Sera and the hand of Osmund Saddler's pants tentacle. Ada vanishes for the bulk of the remainder of this act, leaving Leon alone with his dead buddy.

Something tells me Leon is lacking in the whole friend department considering his only love interest is a chick he knew for a day six years ago and he's so bent out of shape over a guy that he's known for about half a day.

Below, Leon hears female grunting and sighs, not unlike a Japanese chick in a porn flick... Not that I'd know anything of that that *closes tab*

Oh look, if it isn't a damn fool. I like how five major characters just happened to converge on this particular room at the same time.

Leon makes his way to the conveniently placed vantage point. An upwind of failure and incompetence greets his nose from below.

"This stupid little moron... If I free her from this she'll probably get kidnapped again within the hour."

It would only take one bullet. Right between the eyes is your ticket home. Just aim and squeeze the trigger.

"Let's just get this over with."

"Why the fuck does she have her hands behind her back? Is she waiting patiently for something?"

Right in the gut. A nice slow painful death. The little bitch gripes and moans enough. Give her a reason to.

"I need a nice long vacation after this. A Bahamavention. I hate those commercials."

"Why the fuck is she bending her knees and pulling on anything? She can just step right over the thing. There's a foot gap and her implants aren't in the way. There's no excuse for this."

Right in both the knees. They say that's the most painful place to be shot. You're just one guy sent into the middle of this. They never really expected you to complete this mission. Fuck them... Fuck her...

"I wonder if killing hundreds of people and fighting unearthly creatures will have any ill mental effects. Eh... I was fine after Raccoon City... Aside from the checking of all corpses for being zombies. And making sure to shoot everyone right in the head. You've got to severe the spinal cord or decapitate them completely, you know."

The last of the half-assed shackles are destroyed and Ashley is free. Nevermind that shooting off metal bindings with a high powered rifle would likely send metal shrapnel jutting into her.

"Hahaha. What have I done...?"

Talk about near death experiences brought about entirely by your own stupidity.

They've found you after you've been stuck there for an hour or two!

Ashley, of course, cowers in place out in the open in lieu of making any effort of escaping the slowly approaching cultists.

After wasting a few Zealots

Turn the handle, ya dumb broad!

Some more Ganado pour in to attempt to capture her. So nice of them to wait until Leon arrived before actually bothering to capture her. No, I don't know what became of the one in that screenshot's head... He does, however, have the key to that door.

This greatly reduces his lifespan.

Remember to turn the handle!

She stands there for five minutes before realizing she has to pull the door, not push it.

Ashley heads through the door. Meanwhile, Leon...

Wait...what the hell is this...? No...

NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*sigh* Unfortuantely, we play as Ashley Graham for the duration of this (thankfully short) chapter. Turn down your brain cells, folks.

A Zealot is locked in a daze staring at that blurry, somewhat phallic portrait. Can Ashley manage to sneak past him?

Hell no! Are you kidding me? Luckily, Ashley is only burdened with two Ganado and they're both equally dumb. Their only attack being chocking her to death. I guess they didn't get the memo about the whole 'needing her alive' thing. I think that memo may have never gotten faxed to this branch.

Ashley's only attack is tossing the assortment of kerosene lanterns at her attackers. Though, she will throw them wherever they are. Even if they're a foot away from her, engulfing her in flame as well.

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She an also pull off a suplex if you happen to be playing the Gamecube version. Sadly, the glitch seems to have been fixed for the Playstation 2 version, I've come to find.

There's a crank that can open the gate in this room that really doesn't need a gate in the first place.

But, there's also a more fanservice type option to the right. If you're into chimp girls. If you happen to be using her second costume, you can see her disturbing bulge when she does this.

The next room holds another easily slain Zealot and yes, more cranks. The only task simple enough to be left in her able hands.

Proceeding along.

A side room in this corridor holds a few things of note. Firstly, a note...

Butler's Memo

This is just a hunch, but I'm guessing Salazar was a crazy little prick before Saddler showed up. You know, with the trap filled castle and all. Nice of you to have faith in him, tough.

Again, in the prison sense.

What, with being a crazy little prick and all.

There's speculation that Salazar's posse might be the butlers here. Does it really matter? Nah. Just keeping up the long tradition of butlers casting doubts on their masters' plans while remaining steadfast loyal.

Also in this room.

Ashley is amazed by this development.

Jinkies.

Ashley wanders off to the next area.

"I found a flashlight in the loading screen."

Another dopey puzzle presents itself. There's a series of gates and switches. I don't know why, stop asking.

One of which is hidden behind the nearby bookcase. Forget that one for the moment.

Oh, Japan...

Flip this switch past the desk and proceed through the new opening.

Grab the flashing key item.

Switch.

Then the bookcase one. Ta-da! You've solved the puzzle. This area was supposed to be a throwback to the old games. In the Japanese version, it even has old school crappy camera angles. Or, so I've read. Never actually seen this in action.

Ashley finds herself in a new, poorly lit area. Good thing that flashlight materialized out of the ether between loading screens.

One of those crappy little tile puzzles you had as a kid. I had a friend that struggled with this for a half hour.

Slide this piece into the middle.

Now, take the piece below it and move it up, continue moving the pieces around the perimeter until you get to this:

That's it. Just insert the key item we just found.

And that's a wrap. Any other feeling people with this one floating around?

*yawn* The next few chapters are more exciting, I promise.

Wonder where this goes.

"You're not leaving until you take this important key item, missy!"

Just what I always wanted. A snake tailed dog ass.

Oh yeah, by the way the armor has come alive.

Run away! RUN AWAY!

A few have scattered themselves in ambush to halt Ashley's escape by means of axe to the forehead. Her head is going to explode into some tentacle monster anyhow. They're just saving a step.

She dodges with all the grace of a drunken baboon.

Obligatory panty shot.

Skipping back to where we were with that crank.

"Give me that flashlight back, it's dark in here you thieving little bitch."

This chapter has more cranking action than you can fucking handle!

The secret passage slides open to reveal

MOUNTAIN LION'D!

Ashley evades the beast by dumb luck and makes her escape

On the way she gets arrested twice, gets in a car wreck, is blamed for the murder of a little girl's father, is held hostage no less than four times, and kills or maims three of her boyfriends..

Leon is significantly less excited to see her.

I saw those devious kindergarten level puzzles. Impressive.

A bleeding moron and stain on society's underwear?

The dynamic duo is reunited, bringing Chapter 3 to a very dull close.

Now that Ashley and Leon are back together, will then find a way to beat the Plagas infection and escape Salazar's castle? Tune in next time for Episode XXVI: Non-Sequitur

Bonus Content

We've completed Chapter 3-4 and with it, Chapter 3!

Edit: Forgot this adorable portrait of non-infested Salazar.

If only the game ended this way:
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